It is these times of hopeless self-pity that my spirit is so grieved and ruthlessly torn between human want and spirtual love. My spiritual love told my heart to be still and wait on God's compassionate grace (Psalm 27:14."Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, l say, on the Lord."). My spirit knew that my Daniel was now enjoying the glory of Heaven, but my human wanting begged and pleaded to ease this pain of physical separation! I knew that part of my problem was simply the fact that this was the middle of September, the month of his birthday. For days, I could tell that my moods were beginning to shift, and the slightest memory brought a painful reminder that another "first" was just around the corner. This would be the first birthday without Daniel. This month had already dumped its share of "firsts"...the first day of school, the first day of a new job. None had been easy. I was faced with lonely nights that I'd otherwise have spent talkatively with my life mate, telling him all the neat things experienced. I missed his mischieveous smile, his spontaneous laughter. I missed the sound of his voice filling our home with life and meaning. The nightly emptiness had given me a new sense of this existence without him. Many times I lost in the battle of loneliness and despair. During these times, I talked with my pastor, cried buckets of tears, spent many moments in prayer, and immerged somehow with a newfound strength and peacefulness. Although the grief was still so relatively new, yet, it seemed like years since I'd seen his face or touched his hand. I tried to direct my thoughts to other things and especially tried to direct my prayer life to a focus on things I had, instead of things I'd lost. But today nothing seemed to help. The grief had surfaced with a vengeance that demanded to be felt.
As I opened my mailbox my heart cried out to God to help me, give me comfort and relief. There on top of the sale papers and miscellaneous assortment of junk mail was a card, a message from a friend. "You're special to God and to me!" I opened the card and its message seemed to soothe the raw hurt of my painful brokeness.
Immediately the tears of anguished longing and loneliness turned to tears of thankfulness and joy. (Psalm 34:8 "O taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man that trusteth in him. ")"Thank you, Father; praise you, Master! Thank you for your love!" I whispered to my unseen companion. To anyone witnessing such a scene, they would probably worry about my mental stability, but at that moment I was outside the earthly realm and was engaging in a "heart-to-heart" with the Maker of the Universe the Wonderful Counselor, the Great I AM!
Although some would challenge that this card was just a coincidence a thoughtful friend who knew I needed comfort I know it came directly from the Master's hand. I have been promised and on this one thing I am certain God is in complete control of my life. He has placed me in this circumstance for a reason. I do not even begin to claim to understand but I am privileged to know the how. I am a child of the King and as such I will be cared for and not forgotten. He knows the hairs of my head, and he most certainly knows the needs of my heart! Psalm 34:18-20 "The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a brokenheart; and saveth such as be of a concontrite spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous but the Lord delivereth him out of them all. He keepeth all his bones; not one of them is broken."
As I journey through this valley of the shadow of my loved one's death I find comfort and strength in knowing that I serve a risen Saviour and a Father who loves me beyond all understanding. He loves me when I'm not lovable and He cares for me when I cannot care for myself! Praise His Holy Name!
Matthew 5:4 "Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted."
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